The Next Level

First of all, I'm so sorry that I've been so lax here. February through April are so crazy in our home that I'm lucky to find time to turn around let alone blog.

In the meantime though, things have been up and down and up and down with DD, but fortunately it's been up for the most part :)!!

Can anyone recall playing a video game over and over, trying to get to the next level and it seems like every time you fall just a few points short before your character bites the dust and then the day comes where out of nowhere you make it to the next level? This is what I feel like today.

It seems like Hunter and I have taken three steps forward and two steps back for months; never quite making any marked progress, but still not falling totally back to the beginning either.

It's been frustrating at times, but the difference this time is that there hasn't been day after day or week after week of DD lapses. This time, we have continuted to communicate and neither of us has given up.

We even had one time where we really were not on the same page. He insisted on spanking and I didnt agree the spanking was deserved, but I didn't argue in order to show him that I really wanted him to be HOH. And on his side, he didnt' back down from what he believed to be the right thing. In the past if I would've even given a hint to disagreeing with him he would've backed off in order to not "force it" on me, but this time he stood firm. We never did figure out who was "right" that night, but we felt really good with the outcome.

Back to this week..... It was a crazy week to say the least. So, for one reason or another, he wasn't able to follow through with a promised spanking or two for a few days. Normally that would bring out all sorts of insecurities in me. I would be freaking out that he didn't want this anymore or that I wasn't important enough to him to stay consistant, etc... All of the sudden yesterday, it dawned on me that I was really and truly fine with if he decided to play catch up or not. If he chose to still hold me accountable for everything that we'd had to put on hold, that was fine, but if he didnt' then I was okay with that too and it wasnt' the end of the world.

It was just so weird because I've always had to have him take care of every infraction separately in order for me to feel truly absolved and for those instances to be finished, but not this time. I just felt calm and assured that we could start fresh the next day.

It is an amazing feeling to be secure in knowing that our DD is still steady and even though I didnt account for everything that it wasnt' because he didn't care. It wasn't because he didnt' have time for me. It wasn't because I was a burden. It was because I was truly remorseful for what I had done and there was no longer a need to absolve it or put an end to it. This time I didnt' need him to reassure me that he was paying attention :).

Now, I assured him that this wasnt' a guarantee that I wouldn't freak out the next time this happened or two or three times down the road, but the fact that I didnt this time was HUGE!! Next level reached! :) And it feels oh so good!!