My beginning into the DD journey

In about a month it'll be three years since our first attempt at DD. Now, I say "attempt" because it sure took awhile to figure out what in the world we were doing, lol.

First off, you have to know my husband. Hunter is the most non-confrontational person that I know. And myself? Well, let's just say I'm not an easy force to deal with when I get my dander up about something. I knew that I'd had an interest in spanking since I was probably in junior high school, but I figured I must be some sort of sick pervert, so I kept them to myself for a long time. Three years ago, I got up the nerve and decide to show my husband the stuff I'd been finding online. I printed off a few articles on the art of erotic spanking/ GG's (good-girls) and highlighted the stuff I wanted him to really see and then I left them on his pillow to find when he came home from work that afternoon. I'm not sure what I did, but pretty sure I hid for awhile to give him a chance to read and absorb it. Neither of us said much about it, but a few days later, we had a rare opportunity of having the house to ourselves, so he tried a few things and over the course of the weekend, we tried a few implements such as a wooden spoon and his belt and then ended up buying a ping pong paddle.

A few weeks later, I had promised him that I would make sure he had a clean towel in the morning for his shower, but then forgot about it until that morning. I felt really guilty about it, because the man really doesn't ask for much from me.... maybe some clean socks and underwear from time to time and an honest attempt to keep up with the house. So, I apologized profusely and offered to let him spank me for it. He looked at me like I was crazy and brushed it off.

Well, that wasn't enough to deter me, so it was back to the internet. I read and read and printed and read some more and came up with some pretty good articles on the whys and hows of Domestic Discipline.

At first he was really hesitant but decided to give it a try for me when I explained how much I felt the need for this in my life. I explained how I needed to feel accountable and have him step up and be the true Head of our Household (HOH). We gave it a go and were amazed at how things began to change.

The first thing we noticed was how our arguments no longer seemed to last for days at a time of barely speaking to each other. Now, honestly, our marriage was never "bad" to begin with, but I sensed something missing and was at a loss as to how to deal with the immense guilt I would feel when I let my temper and emotions affect the entire household.

The second huge change was our sex life. Again, this had never been "bad", but leaped to "WOW"!!! I honestly believe now that the biggest reason behind that was the fact that we no longer had a ton of unspoken words or unfinished business hanging over us.

Hunter struggled with a few things regarding DD. The first being, how could it be discipline if it was something I enjoyed for foreplay as well. The second was trying to understand the difference in hitting and spanking. My husband grew up watching his mother being beaten by his biological dad and didn't want to do the same. I hope to talk some about these topics in future entries.

Well, at the time we started our DD journey, I was two months pregnant. Relax before anyone jumps on their soap box. We were very very very very careful. In the beginning, the spankings were very light. We continued with this until a month before my due date and decided to stop the discipline part until after the baby was born.

Somewhere between six and nine months after the baby was born, I explained to Hunter about my need to resume the DD life we had started. Shortly after this, I was fortunate enough to find a couple of fantastic forums that were a kind of support group for couple living a DD lifestyle. Once I began to no longer believe that I was totally off my rocker for needing/wanting this kind of life, things really changed. I had finally found people who were also living this way and found that the thoughts, feelings, concerns, problems, etc.... that we had were completely normal. I have been blessed to make some wonderful friends that I wouldn't trade for the world and to have my eyes opened to some "not so good" things about myself. I am not the same person I was when we began this journey and I pray that two years from now I can report how much more we have changed towards the goal of what we want to be.

This is just a glimpse into how it began for us. Hopefully, I can expand more as I learn how this blog thing works, lol.

Have a wonderful and safe memorial day weekend :)!!!

My Masks

This is an essay I wrote a while back after clearing a bump in the road of our DD journey. I decided to post it here because the words still ring very true as to how I feel and it's a concept I still struggle with from time to time as I'm sure many of us in this life do. There is no such thing as a perfect DD relationship and just as in every other part of our lives, there will be bumps and hurdles along the way. The important part is how we come back from those bumps and what we take with us on the next leg of our journey.


My Masks

In my mind, I was broken. Damaged goods. Irreparable. Hopeless, helpless and trapped in the experiences of my life. There's the side I presented to the world: Confident, caring, loving, a leader. I had it all together. Behind closed doors, Mrs. Hyde would emerge. Vindictive. Angry. Judgemental. Cold. Manipulative. These were my survivor qualities. The things that kept me from being hurt. Lashing out in anger, looking for shock value, and testing. If anyone sees these qualities they'll leave. If they leave, they can't hurt me. Then there was the "real" me. Unlovable. Incapable. Weak. Needy. Small. Incompetent. Undeserving. Afraid. Never show these. Lock these things in that dark deep place where nobody is allowed in. Anger will stand guard at the door. Anger wears a disguise too. Its mask is humor. If I was laughing, nobody would know I was hurting. If I made them laugh, then they had to see me. If they could see me, then I wasn't invisible. As soon as I gave up and stopped looking, there he was. Somehow he loved me in spite of myself. I wore so many masks, not even I knew which was real. I'm guessing they all have a reality of their own. I believed I was in an HOH marriage. That was fine with me. He could make the decisions as long as I agreed with them first. I could manipulate every decision to get what I wanted. I would wear him down until it was easier to give in to me than to fight me. He would always come back to my way of thinking. In the end it was his decision. He just "changed his mind" is all. Now enter DD. It clicked. This is what was missing. Someone caring enough to hold me accountable. Did it solve everything? No. Is it getting better? Yes. For the first time my eyes are open to the reality and depth of his love for me. For the passive, quiet, gentle man he is to bare my bottom and spank me is something I never believed could happen. But it does. He's getting better at it all the time. WEG. He doesn't do it out of anger. He doesn't do it to make himself look good. He doesn't do it to humiliate me or make me feel less of a person. So why? For him the answer is simple. It's because I asked. It's because he loves me. It's because he will do everything in his power to protect me from my very worst enemy..... ME. Do I still wear the masks? Yes. Not as frequently though. In the end it all boils down to me. Do I trust myself enough to give up control and let someone else lead and believe that he will not hurt me? So what is the biggest thing DD has given me??? Freedom. Freedom to be me. Freedom to discover who I am. Freedom to fail. Freedom to fully trust in someone.

What am I thinking???

I've actually thought of starting a blog for a long while now, but never had the guts. So, I figured why not jump right in and go for it. LOL.

I plan to use this space to discuss my family, my writing, and the Domestic Discipline Relationship I share with my wonderful husband.

Please be patient with me as I learn to use it. For the most part I know just enough about computers to be really dangerous, lol.

So, here we go..........