My Masks

This is an essay I wrote a while back after clearing a bump in the road of our DD journey. I decided to post it here because the words still ring very true as to how I feel and it's a concept I still struggle with from time to time as I'm sure many of us in this life do. There is no such thing as a perfect DD relationship and just as in every other part of our lives, there will be bumps and hurdles along the way. The important part is how we come back from those bumps and what we take with us on the next leg of our journey.


My Masks

In my mind, I was broken. Damaged goods. Irreparable. Hopeless, helpless and trapped in the experiences of my life. There's the side I presented to the world: Confident, caring, loving, a leader. I had it all together. Behind closed doors, Mrs. Hyde would emerge. Vindictive. Angry. Judgemental. Cold. Manipulative. These were my survivor qualities. The things that kept me from being hurt. Lashing out in anger, looking for shock value, and testing. If anyone sees these qualities they'll leave. If they leave, they can't hurt me. Then there was the "real" me. Unlovable. Incapable. Weak. Needy. Small. Incompetent. Undeserving. Afraid. Never show these. Lock these things in that dark deep place where nobody is allowed in. Anger will stand guard at the door. Anger wears a disguise too. Its mask is humor. If I was laughing, nobody would know I was hurting. If I made them laugh, then they had to see me. If they could see me, then I wasn't invisible. As soon as I gave up and stopped looking, there he was. Somehow he loved me in spite of myself. I wore so many masks, not even I knew which was real. I'm guessing they all have a reality of their own. I believed I was in an HOH marriage. That was fine with me. He could make the decisions as long as I agreed with them first. I could manipulate every decision to get what I wanted. I would wear him down until it was easier to give in to me than to fight me. He would always come back to my way of thinking. In the end it was his decision. He just "changed his mind" is all. Now enter DD. It clicked. This is what was missing. Someone caring enough to hold me accountable. Did it solve everything? No. Is it getting better? Yes. For the first time my eyes are open to the reality and depth of his love for me. For the passive, quiet, gentle man he is to bare my bottom and spank me is something I never believed could happen. But it does. He's getting better at it all the time. WEG. He doesn't do it out of anger. He doesn't do it to make himself look good. He doesn't do it to humiliate me or make me feel less of a person. So why? For him the answer is simple. It's because I asked. It's because he loves me. It's because he will do everything in his power to protect me from my very worst enemy..... ME. Do I still wear the masks? Yes. Not as frequently though. In the end it all boils down to me. Do I trust myself enough to give up control and let someone else lead and believe that he will not hurt me? So what is the biggest thing DD has given me??? Freedom. Freedom to be me. Freedom to discover who I am. Freedom to fail. Freedom to fully trust in someone.