He's Still Here

This is a story of sorts that I wrote awhile back.........

He's still Here

How could I have let myself do that? I knew it would hurt him…. Hurt us. But I did it anyway. He’ll be angry. Worse than angry, he’ll be hurt. Why did I do it? What was that? Did I hear a car? Oh no, I think he’s home. I need more time to prepare what I’m going to say. The sounds of his keys in the door, they’re usually so comforting, but not today. Today I have hurt him. Will I be able to tell him? I look up as he comes in the door. Our eyes meet. He knows. My eyes look away. I can’t face him. Not yet. “Honey, no not yet. Cant’ we talk first? Let’s just stay out here.” His hand is firm on my arm as he guides me to our bedroom. My voice is not my own. “I didn’t mean to. Honest. I was angry. “ “No, that doesn’t make it right. What did you promise? Oh honey, please don’t make me say it. I’ll never do it again. I promise. Yes, I promised before, but I really mean it this time. Please don’t do this.” He stands me before him. His hands reach under my skirt and draw my panties down to my knees. “Honey, I am so sorry!” His arms firmly turn and guide me down over his lap. The cool air brushes across my bottom as he raises my skirt. His right hand firmly holds my wrist to the middle of my back. I need this. I need the loving guidance. I need the firm correction. I need to make restitution for what I have done. His left palm falls sharply on my bared bottom. Ouch! Over and over it comes down. It hurts so badly. I can’t get away from the stinging of his hand. He has never used his hand before, but somehow this time seems appropriate. It seems right. His hand is like steel. I am trying so hard to be still, but the pain is building. I am so sorry! Finally, it comes to a stop. He stands me before him again, reassuring me that it will be okay. His hands move to his waist where he begins to unfasten his belt. He assures me it is almost over. I slowly lower myself over the bed, reaching back to raise my skirt. I can hear the belt slipping through the loops. Ohhh! The pain is unbearable. My fists grab hold of the comforter and I grit my teeth as each lash of the belt burns across my bottom. I can make it through this. I can do it. No, he will think I’m weak. Tears, go away! Don’t you dare overflow. My jaw relaxes releasing a sob from deep within. From a place I didn’t even know existed. My hands release the comforter. All the guilt, the hurt, the anger, they all pour out. His hands are so gentle now as he lifts me to him. His arms are so strong as he holds me tight. There is a peace that envelops me. A heat of a different kind starts as he slowly removes my clothes. He pulls back the blankets, gently laying me under them. In a matter of seconds, he is securely behind me skin to skin as he holds me to him. For now, sleep comes readily. There will be time for reconnecting on a more intimate level later. Right now, I am content to let him hold me and be my rock. Why does this work for us? Are we crazy? Why does it feel so right? I survived. I let my defenses down and released myself to him and he’s still here. He’s not going anywhere. His breathing stays steady behind me and he is still here. He’s still here.