When I first uncovered my desire for a DD life, I thought the words "Are you ready for a spanking?" would be just what I was looking for. The more I hear those words lately, the more they anger me. Not because they are a prelude to a painful encounter or that I feel that a spanking is not deserved, but because these words are not preceded by any explanation as to why a spanking is coming or due. There is no warning. There is no mindset. These words only come out after a week or more of any misbehavior being ignored, of me feeling neglected, of me having my feelings hurt over and over and over again as I believe that this lifestyle (that he claims to want too) is ignored over and over again.
So, if you haven't figured it out yet, this post has the possibility of turning into a rant.
Yes, I want him to be the leader of our home, and yes I want this lifestyle. I truly do and he says that he does too.
Where do my feelings and needs fall within his leadership though. Am I supposed to just stand back and be okay with the fact that something is spankable one day, but not the next time and it is the next time or three after that, but not the one after that. Am I supposed to be okay with me following our agreement to journal my behavior each day and having it ignored. Am I supposed to be a robot that is able to just flip a switch to the proper mindset whenever he decides the he finally has the time or energy to address a behavior even if it happened days ago? How am I supposed to respond when he thinks that a spanking will fix everything and reset things between us and there's no discussion involved?
We used to sit down and evaluate each week about how things were going and anything we felt needed to be addressed in the coming week. We discussed successes and failures and I really felt like we were connected during those times, but even that has fallen to the wayside.
Several times in the past few months, we have sat down and tried to start over, but that usually lasts 2 days or so and then nothing happens for a week or more. So, I just don't know how I'm supposed to believe that this is a life we are going to have. Can I or should I just be happy for part-time DD?
Thus the questions I have asked on a couple of forums.....
Even though we can research and read online and talk to others who live this life and develop a head knowledge, can we really make this life works if only one of us is putting their hearts in it? Is head knowledge enough or do we need heart knowledge for it to be a fully effective and fulfilling lifestyle??
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The content here is not intended for anyone under the age of 18. So, if you're not old enough to be here, then please leave the way you came. This is the blog of a 30-something mother of five wonderful children. My husband and I have been married for close to 15 years and have lived a domestic discipline lifestyle for the last five.
4 comments:
I'm sorry. I know this is a very unhappy place for you. I don't do DD, and so cannot offer advice, but I do very much feel your pain. I hope things get better for you soon.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. When T and I first tried DD, it was similar to what you're explaining only there was no "are you ready for a spanking?" or actions being taken at all. I had thought we were getting ready to embark on a new journey that would help us and our home and family and everyone would start to be happier and all that happened was I was left angry and frustrated, wondering what his motive for saying we would implement this life style really was. Was it to make me happy or did he really think it would work etc. etc. Well, as you know we finally worked things out the way we needed to have them run. I know you'd never implement our style of DD but the feelings and the pain are all the same no matter what spin you put on the life style. What really helped us come to the right place was I wrote T a long letter pretty much laying it all out on the table. I explained how everything was making me feel and made suggestions on how things could change etc. and then we talked about it. I was able to just talk and not get angry or make accusations because he'd already read it in my letter. So we had a nice calm talk and everything got aired and worked through. I know time and life can really be big obstacles when it comes to these things but I really hope you and Hunter can find a way to sit down and communicate with each other to work through this. You have my support as well as everyone here and on the forums. Don't be afraid to come to us and vent and rant. That's what friends are for and we all understand what you're going through in same way. We're here for you. Take care of yourself and good luck. *Hugs*
Hi April,
Sorry to hear you are struggling with so much inconsistency right now. We are going through the same thing I guess. I like to think that things aren't on track because of the pregnancy, but I don't really think thats the reason. I feel for you and hope things work out soon. Hang in there:)
Caia
It seems to me that you want his constant attention, i.e., spanking, talking, planning, discussing. That's a lot of togetherness. Maybe he needs a little more space or maybe he thinks all you think about is your needs and maybe he thinks, 'what about my needs?' Just a thought or two. It's an interesting relationship.
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